hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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