can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
