At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize