she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
