were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
