he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
