On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize