is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
