He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
