Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
