I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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