Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
