your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
