I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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