there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
