why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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