Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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