So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
