Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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