I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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