Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
