At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
