I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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