Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize