It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
