the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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