I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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