Little spoons don't ask big questions
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
