its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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