This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
