Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
