It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
