Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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