Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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