The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
