Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
