My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
