Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
