so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
