it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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