my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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