is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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