I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
