if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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