Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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