recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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