I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
