So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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