Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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