Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
