her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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