I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
