Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
