I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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