I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
